So, I was going to come online today and write something emo about God smiting me with menstruation and hayfever and the bus taking forever and my horoscope saying I should basically not have bothered getting out of bed this morning, but then the worst kept secret in the world was officially confirmed so I’ve decided to write something well-balanced and thoughful about our new Poet Laureate, Carol Ann Duffy.
First off, let me be completely transparent and say that I wanted Simon Armitage to get it. He’s awesome. When he says the word “poem” it comes out like “poom” and he speaks like a male Marilyn Monroe (if she was from West Yorkshire) and that, basically, is like his poetry condensed into like, a talisman of awesomeness. You know, like how a crucifix represents Jesus dying for our sins and all that, Simon Armitage saying “poom” says LISTEN TO ME I AM BRILLIANT too. I actually wrote him a letter a little while ago telling him that if they offered him the job he should bloody well take it, even though I don’t really agree with the idea of a Laureate. Although I suppose poetry is going to be in the news today whereas it totally wouldn’t have been otherwise. So maybe it’s good for some things. And anyway, Andrew Motion only wrote 11 official Laureate poems in ten whole years, and one of those was for that Wessex Royal marriage and where the hell are those guys now anyway? The Royal family just invent people every so often when they fancy having a big do at Westminster Abbey, and then just vaporise them back into the privet hedges of Windsor or something.
So, then I was all like “It’s positive discrimination gone mad!” and started thinking about the Dad in American History X who has that rant to the Edward Norton that had hair about employing black guys to be firemen and then I was like SHIT I’M A RIGHT-WING BULLY BECAUSE I LIKE SIMON ARMITAGE so I decided to read a bit about this Carol Ann Duffy woman. I actually dropped out of uni the very week before we studied her in Contemporary Poetry so I’m pretty ignorant, other than the fact that she’s a lesbian.
I liked her within about two sentences of the BBC news feature because she’s donating the fee to start up a poetry prize for new collections, and she asked for the traditional 600 bottles of sherry to be delivered in advance because Andrew Motion apparently still hasn’t received his, ten years later. And there’s a show at the Lowry soon with a woman performing some of the poems from The World’s Wife which, astoundingly, I’d never heard of before. She gives the wife’s-eye-view of famous historical stuff, and although I’m far to practical and my bosom is far too BUXOM AND HEAVING to burn any bras, that idea appeals to me. Might get a ticket for that before I do any more mouthing off about Simon Armitage.
Plus, it’s only a ten-year position, and in ten years he’s only going to be like, not that old, right?